Televangelist Lavishes Concern On Swollen Penises Of Congregants

Ernest Langley

For the first time in his life, renowned TV preacher and nonagenarian toupee mannequin Ernest Angley is on the receiving end of a deep probe he doesn’t want.  The Akron Beacon Journal‘s week-long investigative series into Angley’s Grace Cathedral Church reveals a bounty of delicious accusations against Ernie by his parishoners, including forced abortions, cult-like mind control, and a certain fixation on the freshly mutilated genitalia of his subservient menfolk.  On the latter point, Ernie breaks his silence to set the record, um, STRAIGHT!

In response to swirling accusations that he is a homosexual who has abused both his associates and members of the congregation, Angley, 93, had this to say to a large Sunday gathering.

“I’m not a homosexual. God wouldn’t use a homosexual like he uses me. He calls me his prophet, and indeed I am. …

“They called Jesus a homosexual, did you know that? And still do. Because he was with men. Oh, Mary Magdalene and a few women. But you can’t stop the people’s lies.”

Then he addressed his history of urging the males in his congregation to submit to vasectomies.

“I’ve helped so many of the boys down through the years,” he said in his slow, singsong cadence. “They had their misgivings. Sure, I’d have them uncover themselves, but I did not handle them at all.

“And I would tell them how that would work. And they’d have to watch it. I’d have some of them come back to me that I felt needed to. And I would tell them, I would look at them, their privates — I, so I could tell how they were swelling…

“Another one was constipated. It was awful. And he was just dying deaths.

“And another one, one of his testicles fell out, absolutely fell out. ‘It’s dangerous, you should have a nurse.’ But I knew they wouldn’t get one.

“And men’s — I was a farm boy. We thought nothing about undressing. We didn’t know about homosexuals. We talked about women.

“And some of these turned against me.” [Akron Beacon Journal]